Filipino Jokes (Taglish)

Mga Sari-Saring Dyoks in Pul Kolor
Dyok #1What is Love? (ayon kay Pidro)LOVE is an intention,that goes with affection, with the intent of injection and ejection,done in the midsection, in a nice position, during a private session.
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Dyok #2Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot?Ba't di mo subukan umutot, paligid mo'y babantot, tanggal ang lungkot, wala pang bugnot !
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Dyok #3Q: Bakit mas malakas umutot ang lalaki sa babae ?A: Dahil may mike sila sa harap !
Q: Eh bakit may echo kung umutot ang babae ?A: kasi malapit sa kuweba !
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Dyok #4Q: What's the difference between corruption in USA & corruption in the Philippines ?A: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines., they go to US.
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Dyok #5Q. Bakit matamis ang ulo ng kalbo?A. Eh Kasi panot siya (pronounced panutsa)
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Dyok #6Q: Bakit mayroong 13th month pay?A: Aayon sa banal na kasulatan (brad Pete)...
Mayroong panglabintatlong buwan sa isang taon.... kapag ibinigay, ito'y libu...libo, kapag hindi ibinigay, ito'y labu...labokaya ang kumpanya ngayo'y ...lugi...lugi.
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Dyok #7Q: Anong similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
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Dyok #8At a strip joint, a girl wearing a g-string dances on stage.Japanese huks Y10,000 to her panty, the American huks $100,Filipino takes out his credit card and swipes it thru the girl's butt!
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Dyok #9Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more I have a basketball team.American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team.Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course, 18 holes.
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Dyok #10An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:Beer dad, gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan.Tanduayan mo yan. Your son, Miguel.
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Dyok #11A filipina was in a flight to the the US and at some point the flight the attendant was serving salad to the passengers and so she came back after a few minutes and asked the filipino, "How's the dressing?" (referring to the salad), and the filipina replied,"OH, MY CLOTHES ARE VERY COMFORTABLE THANK YOU."
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Dyok #12Paano mo mapapagkasya ang 71 katao sa isang kotse at tumatakbo pa kayo ng 120 Mph.Ganito 'yun: Iyung dalawang tao nasa likod ang nag-si-sixty nine, then plus driver and watcher.
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Dyok #13Final Exams daw:
Final exams na ng mga seminarista..pag nakapasa sila dito ay magiging Pari na sila... sabi ng Paring examiner...lahat kayo ay sasabitan ko ng bell sa inyong pagkalalaki.. at pag tumunog ang bell ang ibig sabihin ay tumigas kaya bagsak sa exam pag tumunog... Unang exam ay binigyan lahat sila ng mga porno magazines..puro bold talaga...walang tumunog...pasado lahat..
Next ay pinapanood sila ng x-rated na films...triple x pero no effect sa kanila...pasado na naman.. Then, may babaeng pumasok sa examination room...pinasayaw at isa isang tinanggal ang kanyang suot... wala pa ring tumutunog na bell...matitibay talaga...
Eh doon sa kuwartong yon ay sobra ang init..walang air con...inis na inis na si Pedro sa tagal ng exam.. pinagpapawisan na siya...kaya sa inis ay hinubad ang suot na sutana...nakita ng mga seminarista ang kanyang tinago...biglang nagtunugan lahat ng bell...
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Dyok #14Isang Pinoy galing sa Pinas ang nasa LAX customs inspection:Medyo kabado kasi may dalang daing(dried fish) sa loob ng maleta.
INSPECTOR: What are these stuff in your suitcase?PINOY:Daing,sir!INSPECTOR:(Looking closely) No, they are not.PINOY: It's true sir. They are daing.INSPECTOR: They are not dy-ing. These fish are already dead.
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Dyok #15Karera:
Parang bulkang sumabog. Sumambulat. At eto ... Sangkaterbang sperm cells ang nakawala. Nag-meeting sila. Mga kapatid," sabi ng isang nagli-lider-lideran. "Ito'y fair fight. 'Alang dayaan. Matira ang matibay. Ang mabilis. Ang unang makakarating sa egg cell, siya ang magpe-fertilize. Aprub ba?" "Olrayt kapatid. Just say the word at sabay-sabay tayong lulusob!" "Sugod mga kapatid!!!" At milyung-milyong sperm cells ang nagkarera. Wala ngang dayaan. Pero isa sa kanila, ang matindi. Ang bilis kamo. Kaya't naguna agad ito. Papalayo. Paliiit nang paliit. Paliit nang paliit ... hanggang 'di na nila ito matanaw. Maya-maya kamo, eto na 'yung nangunguna. Humahangos pabalik. Humihingal."Hah ... Hah ... Hu ... huwag na ... kayong tumuloy ... Kah ... kah!""Huwag na? At bakit naman? Nakita mo ba ang egg cell?""Hah ... 'Alang egg cell ... Ang nakita ... Ang nakita ko ...""Ano?" sabay-sabay ang isang milyon na boses."Hah ... hah ... Tonsil!"
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Dyok #15Sa honeymoon:
Lalake: Darling - pwede?Babae: Meron ako eh.L: Sa pwet?B: May almoranas ako.L: Sa bunganga?B: May sore throat ako.Naasar si lalake- sinakal si babae at sinabi: WAG MONG SABIHING MAY SIPON KA RIN!!
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Dyok #16
Convict: Father, forgive me for I have sinned.P: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo, anak.C: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?P: Sino yon?
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Dyok #17
Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form.Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong.
PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?MISS: Puwede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?MISS: Sex.
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Dyok #18
Higher:
Dalawang mag-syota are necking while parked sa madilim na lugar sa Ortigas.(First time for him and the nth time for her.) As he kissed her passionately,he slowly placed his hand on her thigh. "I love you," he whispered,( nanginginig pa ang boses)."Higher," she whispered,in anticipation (with buntong-hininga)."I love you," he repeated, in a higher pitch!.
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Dyok #19Nagbago na
Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Nora:NORA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?MON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.NORA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?MON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.NORA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.MON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.
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Dyok #20 (courtesy of The Best of SCF Jokes)
The BEST INSURANCE POLICY in the WORLD!
There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy -hey Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe.Bob Barker was the emcee:
Contestant No. 1 - from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing Discoveries: "I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says ,"Let's hear it for good old American values." Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 - from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome blonde, blue-eyed hunk: "I will insure your child from womb to tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 - from an English firm, represented by a dapper young Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned) Oxford accent: "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob (for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to expiration."
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.
Contestant No. 4 - from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese in a Giorgio Armani.He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English: "I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last.
So:
Contestant No. 5. -- The Filipino. A dignified 5' 2" executive with a slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag: (in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from... erection to resurrection!
HAH!
Bob Barker did have a heart attack.
Dyok #1Promising
Dalawang babae ang nagkita sa isang HS class reunion:TINA: Single ka pa? Akala ko engaged ka na sa isang promising young lawyer.ISDAY: OO. Pero, he did not keep his promise.
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Dyok #2Tama nga naman
The pinoy interpreter was trying his best to translate what the Filipino witness is saying in a court case:
Witness: "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"Pinoy Interpreter: "After the what-what came the who-who!"
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Dyok #3Isang babae ang humangos sa Rizal Park Police station at nagsumbong na isang lalake ang yumakap at humalik sa kanya at pagkatapos tumakbo with her hand bag. When asked for the description of the man, walang masabi ang babae.Pulis: Alas dose ng tanghali , bakit hindi mo namukhaan?Babae: I'm sorry mamang pulis, I usually close my eyes when being kissed.
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Dyok #4Mountaindew
DADO:: Ano ang tawag mo sa babaing flat-chested?ATO: WalandyoDADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ang dibdib ay katamtaman lamang?ATO: Medyo.DADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ubod ng laki ng dibdib?ATO: Mountaindyo
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Dyok #5Historical
ED: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo. Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.BERT: Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.ED: Hindi, historical talaga, pare. Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
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Dyok #6Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana:KANA: I like men who are frank.ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not Frank.
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Dyok #7KKB
Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess anticipating a goodnight kiss.TONY: Salamat sa date, ha? Sana maulit.TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong gabi, you kiss yourself and I'll kiss myself goodnight.
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Dyok #8Kapalit
Bagong kasal si Tina at kinakausap ng Papa niya ang kanyang napangasawang si Tonyo.PAPA: Bilang manugang ko, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit ninyongpuhunan subalit ano naman ang kapalit ninyo?TONYO: Bibigyan ho namin agad kayo ng resibo.
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Dyok #9Isang Americano, isang Arabiano, at isang Filipino ang nakatayo sa isang streetcorner sa Ayala Makati, one afternoon, when an spectacular Filipina beauty walked haughtily by them."By golly!" exclaimed the American."By allah!" sighed the Arabian."By tomorrow night!" said the Filipino.
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Dyok #10Katatapos lang basbasan ng pari ang isang presong nakaupo sa silya-elektrika.PARI: "Mayroon ka bang nais na hilingin bago ka bawian ng buhay?"PRESO: "Opo."PARI: "Ano yon, anak?"PRESO: "Pwede po bang hawakan n'yo ang kamay ko hanggang bawian ako ng buhay?"
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Dyok #11Filipino version of Forrest Gump
My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp.Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box.
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Dyok #12Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit 'yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.
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Dyok #13The SETTING: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
THE FINALISTS:Ms. AmericaMs. SpainMs. BritainMs. PhilippinesMs. India
QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that, male organs in America are like gentlemen.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..........
(Applause...Aplause)
QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause....Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakesperian actors.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. IRAN: Well. I can say that male organs in Irans are like thieves.QUESTION: And why do you say that?MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back dooor...
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. INDIA: Because it works day & night.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh...well, opkors, hihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...QUESTION: Chismis???MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry...it's ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.QUESTION: Hmm...Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy...dyahe! Hihihi! Kasi... I mean...because...it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Dyok #14Thank you for flying Philippine Air Lines
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Procopio:"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what I like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' I definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with thecaptain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane---THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES- " NGEEEE!!!