Saturday, May 05, 2007
10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.
I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close; Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.
Filipino Jokes (Taglish)
Mga Sari-Saring Dyoks in Pul Kolor
Dyok #1What is Love? (ayon kay Pidro)LOVE is an intention,that goes with affection, with the intent of injection and ejection,done in the midsection, in a nice position, during a private session.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #2Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot?Ba't di mo subukan umutot, paligid mo'y babantot, tanggal ang lungkot, wala pang bugnot !
----- oOo -----
Dyok #3Q: Bakit mas malakas umutot ang lalaki sa babae ?A: Dahil may mike sila sa harap !
Q: Eh bakit may echo kung umutot ang babae ?A: kasi malapit sa kuweba !
----- oOo -----
Dyok #4Q: What's the difference between corruption in USA & corruption in the Philippines ?A: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines., they go to US.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #5Q. Bakit matamis ang ulo ng kalbo?A. Eh Kasi panot siya (pronounced panutsa)
----- oOo -----
Dyok #6Q: Bakit mayroong 13th month pay?A: Aayon sa banal na kasulatan (brad Pete)...
Mayroong panglabintatlong buwan sa isang taon.... kapag ibinigay, ito'y libu...libo, kapag hindi ibinigay, ito'y labu...labokaya ang kumpanya ngayo'y ...lugi...lugi.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #7Q: Anong similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #8At a strip joint, a girl wearing a g-string dances on stage.Japanese huks Y10,000 to her panty, the American huks $100,Filipino takes out his credit card and swipes it thru the girl's butt!
----- oOo -----
Dyok #9Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more I have a basketball team.American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team.Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course, 18 holes.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #10An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:Beer dad, gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan.Tanduayan mo yan. Your son, Miguel.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #11A filipina was in a flight to the the US and at some point the flight the attendant was serving salad to the passengers and so she came back after a few minutes and asked the filipino, "How's the dressing?" (referring to the salad), and the filipina replied,"OH, MY CLOTHES ARE VERY COMFORTABLE THANK YOU."
----- oOo -----
Dyok #12Paano mo mapapagkasya ang 71 katao sa isang kotse at tumatakbo pa kayo ng 120 Mph.Ganito 'yun: Iyung dalawang tao nasa likod ang nag-si-sixty nine, then plus driver and watcher.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #13Final Exams daw:
Final exams na ng mga seminarista..pag nakapasa sila dito ay magiging Pari na sila... sabi ng Paring examiner...lahat kayo ay sasabitan ko ng bell sa inyong pagkalalaki.. at pag tumunog ang bell ang ibig sabihin ay tumigas kaya bagsak sa exam pag tumunog... Unang exam ay binigyan lahat sila ng mga porno magazines..puro bold talaga...walang tumunog...pasado lahat..
Next ay pinapanood sila ng x-rated na films...triple x pero no effect sa kanila...pasado na naman.. Then, may babaeng pumasok sa examination room...pinasayaw at isa isang tinanggal ang kanyang suot... wala pa ring tumutunog na bell...matitibay talaga...
Eh doon sa kuwartong yon ay sobra ang init..walang air con...inis na inis na si Pedro sa tagal ng exam.. pinagpapawisan na siya...kaya sa inis ay hinubad ang suot na sutana...nakita ng mga seminarista ang kanyang tinago...biglang nagtunugan lahat ng bell...
----- oOo -----
Dyok #14Isang Pinoy galing sa Pinas ang nasa LAX customs inspection:Medyo kabado kasi may dalang daing(dried fish) sa loob ng maleta.
INSPECTOR: What are these stuff in your suitcase?PINOY:Daing,sir!INSPECTOR:(Looking closely) No, they are not.PINOY: It's true sir. They are daing.INSPECTOR: They are not dy-ing. These fish are already dead.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #15Karera:
Parang bulkang sumabog. Sumambulat. At eto ... Sangkaterbang sperm cells ang nakawala. Nag-meeting sila. Mga kapatid," sabi ng isang nagli-lider-lideran. "Ito'y fair fight. 'Alang dayaan. Matira ang matibay. Ang mabilis. Ang unang makakarating sa egg cell, siya ang magpe-fertilize. Aprub ba?" "Olrayt kapatid. Just say the word at sabay-sabay tayong lulusob!" "Sugod mga kapatid!!!" At milyung-milyong sperm cells ang nagkarera. Wala ngang dayaan. Pero isa sa kanila, ang matindi. Ang bilis kamo. Kaya't naguna agad ito. Papalayo. Paliiit nang paliit. Paliit nang paliit ... hanggang 'di na nila ito matanaw. Maya-maya kamo, eto na 'yung nangunguna. Humahangos pabalik. Humihingal."Hah ... Hah ... Hu ... huwag na ... kayong tumuloy ... Kah ... kah!""Huwag na? At bakit naman? Nakita mo ba ang egg cell?""Hah ... 'Alang egg cell ... Ang nakita ... Ang nakita ko ...""Ano?" sabay-sabay ang isang milyon na boses."Hah ... hah ... Tonsil!"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #15Sa honeymoon:
Lalake: Darling - pwede?Babae: Meron ako eh.L: Sa pwet?B: May almoranas ako.L: Sa bunganga?B: May sore throat ako.Naasar si lalake- sinakal si babae at sinabi: WAG MONG SABIHING MAY SIPON KA RIN!!
----- oOo -----
Dyok #16
Convict: Father, forgive me for I have sinned.P: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo, anak.C: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?P: Sino yon?
----- oOo -----
Dyok #17
Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form.Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong.
PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?MISS: Puwede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?MISS: Sex.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #18
Higher:
Dalawang mag-syota are necking while parked sa madilim na lugar sa Ortigas.(First time for him and the nth time for her.) As he kissed her passionately,he slowly placed his hand on her thigh. "I love you," he whispered,( nanginginig pa ang boses)."Higher," she whispered,in anticipation (with buntong-hininga)."I love you," he repeated, in a higher pitch!.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #19Nagbago na
Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Nora:NORA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?MON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.NORA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?MON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.NORA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.MON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #20 (courtesy of The Best of SCF Jokes)
The BEST INSURANCE POLICY in the WORLD!
There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy -hey Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe.Bob Barker was the emcee:
Contestant No. 1 - from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing Discoveries: "I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says ,"Let's hear it for good old American values." Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 - from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome blonde, blue-eyed hunk: "I will insure your child from womb to tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 - from an English firm, represented by a dapper young Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned) Oxford accent: "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob (for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to expiration."
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.
Contestant No. 4 - from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese in a Giorgio Armani.He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English: "I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last.
So:
Contestant No. 5. -- The Filipino. A dignified 5' 2" executive with a slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag: (in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from... erection to resurrection!
HAH!
Bob Barker did have a heart attack.
Dyok #1Promising
Dalawang babae ang nagkita sa isang HS class reunion:TINA: Single ka pa? Akala ko engaged ka na sa isang promising young lawyer.ISDAY: OO. Pero, he did not keep his promise.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #2Tama nga naman
The pinoy interpreter was trying his best to translate what the Filipino witness is saying in a court case:
Witness: "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"Pinoy Interpreter: "After the what-what came the who-who!"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #3Isang babae ang humangos sa Rizal Park Police station at nagsumbong na isang lalake ang yumakap at humalik sa kanya at pagkatapos tumakbo with her hand bag. When asked for the description of the man, walang masabi ang babae.Pulis: Alas dose ng tanghali , bakit hindi mo namukhaan?Babae: I'm sorry mamang pulis, I usually close my eyes when being kissed.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #4Mountaindew
DADO:: Ano ang tawag mo sa babaing flat-chested?ATO: WalandyoDADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ang dibdib ay katamtaman lamang?ATO: Medyo.DADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ubod ng laki ng dibdib?ATO: Mountaindyo
----- oOo -----
Dyok #5Historical
ED: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo. Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.BERT: Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.ED: Hindi, historical talaga, pare. Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #6Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana:KANA: I like men who are frank.ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not Frank.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #7KKB
Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess anticipating a goodnight kiss.TONY: Salamat sa date, ha? Sana maulit.TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong gabi, you kiss yourself and I'll kiss myself goodnight.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #8Kapalit
Bagong kasal si Tina at kinakausap ng Papa niya ang kanyang napangasawang si Tonyo.PAPA: Bilang manugang ko, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit ninyongpuhunan subalit ano naman ang kapalit ninyo?TONYO: Bibigyan ho namin agad kayo ng resibo.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #9Isang Americano, isang Arabiano, at isang Filipino ang nakatayo sa isang streetcorner sa Ayala Makati, one afternoon, when an spectacular Filipina beauty walked haughtily by them."By golly!" exclaimed the American."By allah!" sighed the Arabian."By tomorrow night!" said the Filipino.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #10Katatapos lang basbasan ng pari ang isang presong nakaupo sa silya-elektrika.PARI: "Mayroon ka bang nais na hilingin bago ka bawian ng buhay?"PRESO: "Opo."PARI: "Ano yon, anak?"PRESO: "Pwede po bang hawakan n'yo ang kamay ko hanggang bawian ako ng buhay?"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #11Filipino version of Forrest Gump
My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp.Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #12Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit 'yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #13The SETTING: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
THE FINALISTS:Ms. AmericaMs. SpainMs. BritainMs. PhilippinesMs. India
QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that, male organs in America are like gentlemen.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..........
(Applause...Aplause)
QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause....Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakesperian actors.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. IRAN: Well. I can say that male organs in Irans are like thieves.QUESTION: And why do you say that?MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back dooor...
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. INDIA: Because it works day & night.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh...well, opkors, hihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...QUESTION: Chismis???MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry...it's ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.QUESTION: Hmm...Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy...dyahe! Hihihi! Kasi... I mean...because...it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
----- oOo -----
Dyok #14Thank you for flying Philippine Air Lines
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Procopio:"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what I like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' I definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with thecaptain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane---THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES- " NGEEEE!!!
Dyok #1What is Love? (ayon kay Pidro)LOVE is an intention,that goes with affection, with the intent of injection and ejection,done in the midsection, in a nice position, during a private session.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #2Ikaw ba'y nalulungkot, walang makausap at nabubugnot?Ba't di mo subukan umutot, paligid mo'y babantot, tanggal ang lungkot, wala pang bugnot !
----- oOo -----
Dyok #3Q: Bakit mas malakas umutot ang lalaki sa babae ?A: Dahil may mike sila sa harap !
Q: Eh bakit may echo kung umutot ang babae ?A: kasi malapit sa kuweba !
----- oOo -----
Dyok #4Q: What's the difference between corruption in USA & corruption in the Philippines ?A: In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines., they go to US.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #5Q. Bakit matamis ang ulo ng kalbo?A. Eh Kasi panot siya (pronounced panutsa)
----- oOo -----
Dyok #6Q: Bakit mayroong 13th month pay?A: Aayon sa banal na kasulatan (brad Pete)...
Mayroong panglabintatlong buwan sa isang taon.... kapag ibinigay, ito'y libu...libo, kapag hindi ibinigay, ito'y labu...labokaya ang kumpanya ngayo'y ...lugi...lugi.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #7Q: Anong similarity ng sperm at mayonnaise?A: Pareho silang galing itlog at parehong Ladies' Choice.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #8At a strip joint, a girl wearing a g-string dances on stage.Japanese huks Y10,000 to her panty, the American huks $100,Filipino takes out his credit card and swipes it thru the girl's butt!
----- oOo -----
Dyok #9Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more I have a basketball team.American: I have 9 wives, 1 more I have a football team.Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more I have a golf course, 18 holes.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #10An alcoholic son's letter to his Dad:Beer dad, gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan.Tanduayan mo yan. Your son, Miguel.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #11A filipina was in a flight to the the US and at some point the flight the attendant was serving salad to the passengers and so she came back after a few minutes and asked the filipino, "How's the dressing?" (referring to the salad), and the filipina replied,"OH, MY CLOTHES ARE VERY COMFORTABLE THANK YOU."
----- oOo -----
Dyok #12Paano mo mapapagkasya ang 71 katao sa isang kotse at tumatakbo pa kayo ng 120 Mph.Ganito 'yun: Iyung dalawang tao nasa likod ang nag-si-sixty nine, then plus driver and watcher.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #13Final Exams daw:
Final exams na ng mga seminarista..pag nakapasa sila dito ay magiging Pari na sila... sabi ng Paring examiner...lahat kayo ay sasabitan ko ng bell sa inyong pagkalalaki.. at pag tumunog ang bell ang ibig sabihin ay tumigas kaya bagsak sa exam pag tumunog... Unang exam ay binigyan lahat sila ng mga porno magazines..puro bold talaga...walang tumunog...pasado lahat..
Next ay pinapanood sila ng x-rated na films...triple x pero no effect sa kanila...pasado na naman.. Then, may babaeng pumasok sa examination room...pinasayaw at isa isang tinanggal ang kanyang suot... wala pa ring tumutunog na bell...matitibay talaga...
Eh doon sa kuwartong yon ay sobra ang init..walang air con...inis na inis na si Pedro sa tagal ng exam.. pinagpapawisan na siya...kaya sa inis ay hinubad ang suot na sutana...nakita ng mga seminarista ang kanyang tinago...biglang nagtunugan lahat ng bell...
----- oOo -----
Dyok #14Isang Pinoy galing sa Pinas ang nasa LAX customs inspection:Medyo kabado kasi may dalang daing(dried fish) sa loob ng maleta.
INSPECTOR: What are these stuff in your suitcase?PINOY:Daing,sir!INSPECTOR:(Looking closely) No, they are not.PINOY: It's true sir. They are daing.INSPECTOR: They are not dy-ing. These fish are already dead.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #15Karera:
Parang bulkang sumabog. Sumambulat. At eto ... Sangkaterbang sperm cells ang nakawala. Nag-meeting sila. Mga kapatid," sabi ng isang nagli-lider-lideran. "Ito'y fair fight. 'Alang dayaan. Matira ang matibay. Ang mabilis. Ang unang makakarating sa egg cell, siya ang magpe-fertilize. Aprub ba?" "Olrayt kapatid. Just say the word at sabay-sabay tayong lulusob!" "Sugod mga kapatid!!!" At milyung-milyong sperm cells ang nagkarera. Wala ngang dayaan. Pero isa sa kanila, ang matindi. Ang bilis kamo. Kaya't naguna agad ito. Papalayo. Paliiit nang paliit. Paliit nang paliit ... hanggang 'di na nila ito matanaw. Maya-maya kamo, eto na 'yung nangunguna. Humahangos pabalik. Humihingal."Hah ... Hah ... Hu ... huwag na ... kayong tumuloy ... Kah ... kah!""Huwag na? At bakit naman? Nakita mo ba ang egg cell?""Hah ... 'Alang egg cell ... Ang nakita ... Ang nakita ko ...""Ano?" sabay-sabay ang isang milyon na boses."Hah ... hah ... Tonsil!"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #15Sa honeymoon:
Lalake: Darling - pwede?Babae: Meron ako eh.L: Sa pwet?B: May almoranas ako.L: Sa bunganga?B: May sore throat ako.Naasar si lalake- sinakal si babae at sinabi: WAG MONG SABIHING MAY SIPON KA RIN!!
----- oOo -----
Dyok #16
Convict: Father, forgive me for I have sinned.P: Sabihin mo lahat ng kasalanan mo, anak.C: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa Diyos. Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?P: Sino yon?
----- oOo -----
Dyok #17
Applying for a job for the first time, isang seksing coed was filling up the application form.Mabilis siyang natapos but mukhang nahirapan siyang sagutin ang isang tanong.
PERSONNEL: Do you need help in filling up the application, Miss?MISS: Puwede ho bang "occasionally" ang ilagay na sagot.PERSONNEL: Which question, Miss?MISS: Sex.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #18
Higher:
Dalawang mag-syota are necking while parked sa madilim na lugar sa Ortigas.(First time for him and the nth time for her.) As he kissed her passionately,he slowly placed his hand on her thigh. "I love you," he whispered,( nanginginig pa ang boses)."Higher," she whispered,in anticipation (with buntong-hininga)."I love you," he repeated, in a higher pitch!.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #19Nagbago na
Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Nora:NORA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?MON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.NORA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?MON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.NORA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.MON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na akwo.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #20 (courtesy of The Best of SCF Jokes)
The BEST INSURANCE POLICY in the WORLD!
There was this international contest for the best life insurance policy -hey Actuarial Majors take note! a la Miss Universe.Bob Barker was the emcee:
Contestant No. 1 - from an American firm represented by an obnoxious one of those TV-host-late-night-30-minute-commercial types like Amazing Discoveries: "I will insure your child from birth to death."
Bob Barker smiles and says ,"Let's hear it for good old American values." Audience claps.
Contestant No. 2 - from a German firm, represented by a severely, handsome blonde, blue-eyed hunk: "I will insure your child from womb to tomb."
Bob Barker smiles again and says, "There you go."
Contestant No. 3 - from an English firm, represented by a dapper young Englishman in an elegant Saville Row suit with a perfect (but learned) Oxford accent: "I will top them all. I will insure your child, Bob (for a little touch of personality here, which is strange because the English is supposed to be cold, proper and formal) from conception to expiration."
Bob Barker ahhs and the audience is prompted to ahh with him.
Contestant No. 4 - from a Japanese firm, represented by a tall Japanese in a Giorgio Armani.He says in a perfect (also learned) Oxford English: "I will insure your child (whips out a chart) from sperm to worm."
Audience hoots. Bob Barker almost dies.
In a joke such as this, of course the Filipino always comes last.
So:
Contestant No. 5. -- The Filipino. A dignified 5' 2" executive with a slight beer belly, wearing a polo barong, of course, (or was that a gray bush jacket?) and holding an imitation leather clutch bag: (in a perfect American accent) "I will insure your child sir, from... erection to resurrection!
HAH!
Bob Barker did have a heart attack.
Dyok #1Promising
Dalawang babae ang nagkita sa isang HS class reunion:TINA: Single ka pa? Akala ko engaged ka na sa isang promising young lawyer.ISDAY: OO. Pero, he did not keep his promise.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #2Tama nga naman
The pinoy interpreter was trying his best to translate what the Filipino witness is saying in a court case:
Witness: "Pagkatapos ng kung ano-ano ay nagdatingan ang kung sino-sino!"Pinoy Interpreter: "After the what-what came the who-who!"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #3Isang babae ang humangos sa Rizal Park Police station at nagsumbong na isang lalake ang yumakap at humalik sa kanya at pagkatapos tumakbo with her hand bag. When asked for the description of the man, walang masabi ang babae.Pulis: Alas dose ng tanghali , bakit hindi mo namukhaan?Babae: I'm sorry mamang pulis, I usually close my eyes when being kissed.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #4Mountaindew
DADO:: Ano ang tawag mo sa babaing flat-chested?ATO: WalandyoDADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ang dibdib ay katamtaman lamang?ATO: Medyo.DADO: Doon naman sa mga babaing ubod ng laki ng dibdib?ATO: Mountaindyo
----- oOo -----
Dyok #5Historical
ED: Pare,may problema ako sa kumare mo. Masyadong historical tuwing nag-aaway kami.BERT: Baka hysterical ang gusto mong sabihin.ED: Hindi, historical talaga, pare. Kasi pag kami nag-aaway, lagi na lang niyang inuungkat 'yung nakaraan.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #6Kahit hirap mag-englis, panay pa rin ang ligaw ni Alfredo sa isang Amerikana:KANA: I like men who are frank.ALFREDO: My name is Alfredo, not Frank.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #7KKB
Pagkatapos nang date nila, inihatid ni Tony si Tess anticipating a goodnight kiss.TONY: Salamat sa date, ha? Sana maulit.TESS: Okey lang, pero since Dutch treat tayo buong gabi, you kiss yourself and I'll kiss myself goodnight.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #8Kapalit
Bagong kasal si Tina at kinakausap ng Papa niya ang kanyang napangasawang si Tonyo.PAPA: Bilang manugang ko, bibigyan ko kayo ng malaking halaga upang magamit ninyongpuhunan subalit ano naman ang kapalit ninyo?TONYO: Bibigyan ho namin agad kayo ng resibo.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #9Isang Americano, isang Arabiano, at isang Filipino ang nakatayo sa isang streetcorner sa Ayala Makati, one afternoon, when an spectacular Filipina beauty walked haughtily by them."By golly!" exclaimed the American."By allah!" sighed the Arabian."By tomorrow night!" said the Filipino.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #10Katatapos lang basbasan ng pari ang isang presong nakaupo sa silya-elektrika.PARI: "Mayroon ka bang nais na hilingin bago ka bawian ng buhay?"PRESO: "Opo."PARI: "Ano yon, anak?"PRESO: "Pwede po bang hawakan n'yo ang kamay ko hanggang bawian ako ng buhay?"
----- oOo -----
Dyok #11Filipino version of Forrest Gump
My name is Porrest, Porrest Goomp.Inay always said that life is like a balikbayan box.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #12Misis: Dir, bakit may black eyes ka?Mister: Paakyat kasi ako sa eskaleytor sa megamol. Napansin ko na naipit 'yung mini-skirt ng babaing nasa unahan ko sa pagitan ng kaniyang puwit. Ini-stretch ko. Tapos, hinarap niya ako at sinuntok ako sa kaliwang mata.Misis: Naiintindihan ko yon. Pero paano mo nakuha yung black-eye mo sa kanang mata?Mister: E kasi, akala ko gusto niyang nakaipit talaga yung palda niya, kaya ibinalik ko ulit.
----- oOo -----
Dyok #13The SETTING: Pageant Night Ms. Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion
THE FINALISTS:Ms. AmericaMs. SpainMs. BritainMs. PhilippinesMs. India
QUESTION: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. AMERICA: Well, I would say that, male organs in America are like gentlemen.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. AMERICA: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..........
(Applause...Aplause)
QUESTION: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.
(Applause....Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. BRITAIN: Male organs in our country are like Shakesperian actors.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. BRITAIN: Because it cries after every performance.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. IRAN: Well. I can say that male organs in Irans are like thieves.QUESTION: And why do you say that?MS. IRAN: Because they always enter through the back dooor...
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.QUESTION: Why do you say that?MS. INDIA: Because it works day & night.
(Applause...Applause)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ahh...well, opkors, hihihi...I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis...QUESTION: Chismis???MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy! Sorry...it's ano, ahh kuwan...it means GOSSIP in our language.QUESTION: Hmm...Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?MS. PHILIPPINES: Ayy...dyahe! Hihihi! Kasi... I mean...because...it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
----- oOo -----
Dyok #14Thank you for flying Philippine Air Lines
Passengers on a Philippine Airlines flight heard this announcement from the captain, Capt. Juan Procopio:"Mga kababayan, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement: "Mga kababayan, we at Philippine Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane".
As commented by one of the passengers: "Galing, that's what I like about PAL, always has some contingency measures of some sort!, I hope they help me out coz' I definitely don't know how to swim."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with thecaptain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:"Mga kababayan we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane---THANK YOU FOR FLYING PHILIPPINE AIRLINES- " NGEEEE!!!
Immortal Anime
Rank
Title
rate
review
purchase
1
Rurouni Kenshin - Reminiscence (1999)
8.966
9.6
257
2
Full Moon wo Sagashite (2002)
8.666
9.3
220
3
Kimi Ga Nozomu Eien (2003)
8.655
9.3
221
4
Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)
8.647
9.2
243
5
Elfen Lied (2004)
8.625
9.3
227
6
Cowboy Bebop (1998)
8.519
9.1
265
7
Berserk (1997)
8.411
9.0
218
8
Hikaru no Go (2001)
8.410
9.2
170
9
One Piece (1999)
8.379
9.5
118
10
Gundam SEED (2002)
8.297
9.1
161
11
Fruits Basket (2001)
8.235
8.8
216
12
12 Kokuki (2002)
8.232
9.2
138
13
Last EXILE (2003)
8.165
8.8
213
14
Hunter X Hunter (1999)
8.149
9.3
105
15
Full Metal Panic? Fumoffu! (2003)
8.139
9.0
151
16
Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995)
8.132
8.6
297
17
Hajime no Ippo (2000)
8.111
9.3
105
18
Azumanga Daioh (2002)
8.068
8.7
197
19
GunGrave (2003)
8.063
9.0
128
20
Great Teacher Onizuka (2000)
8.062
9.1
118
21
Scrapped Princess (2003)
8.056
8.8
175
22
Vision of Escaflowne (1996)
8.045
8.8
154
23
Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu (2006)
8.028
9.2
107
24
Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
8.023
8.9
131
25
Rahxephon (2002)
8.021
8.7
184
26
Haibane Renmei (2002)
8.007
9.0
125
27
Monster (2004)
7.977
9.4
82
28
Onegai Teacher (2002)
7.950
8.6
176
29
Planet ES (2003)
7.925
9.2
95
30
Trigun (1998)
7.924
8.5
201
31
Furi Kuri (2000)
7.920
8.5
194
32
Naruto (2002)
7.909
8.2
376
33
Shingetsutan Tsukihime (2003)
7.883
8.5
184
34
Samurai Champloo (2004)
7.861
8.6
152
35
X TV (2001)
7.844
8.9
110
36
Rurouni Kenshin (1996)
7.827
8.7
124
37
BECK (2004)
7.815
8.9
104
38
Ima, Sokoni Iru Boku (1999)
7.797
8.9
105
39
AIR TV (2005)
7.795
8.9
102
40
Mai HiME (2004)
7.779
8.8
109
41
Bleach (2004)
7.772
8.4
165
42
Chrno Crusade (2003)
7.762
8.5
153
43
Spirited Away (2001)
7.744
8.9
92
44
Gunslinger Girl (2003)
7.726
8.5
137
45
GetBackers (2002)
7.698
8.6
118
46
Full Metal Panic! (2002)
7.698
8.3
167
47
Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex 1st GIG (2002)
7.690
8.8
94
48
Full Metal Panic! The Second Raid (2005)
7.685
9.2
72
49
Princess Mononoke (1997)
7.655
8.8
90
50
Cowboy Bebop - Knockin' on heaven's door (2001)
7.647
8.8
93
51
Hoshi no Koe (2002)
7.643
8.4
142
52
Read or Die (2001)
7.621
8.6
108
53
Uchuu no Stellvia (2003)
7.614
8.4
140
54
Wolf's Rain (2003)
7.601
8.3
159
55
Chobits (2002)
7.582
8.0
236
56
Scryed (2001)
7.522
8.4
110
57
Serial Experiments Lain (1998)
7.509
8.1
162
58
Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou (1998)
7.503
8.3
133
59
Noir (2001)
7.498
8.1
154
60
Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2001)
7.488
8.5
95
61
Gankutsuoh (2004)
7.486
9.3
56
62
Kino no tabi ~the Beautiful World~ (2003)
7.485
9.0
67
63
Boogiepop Phantom (2000)
7.477
8.7
84
64
Inuyasha (2000)
7.472
8.0
180
65
School Rumble (2004)
7.464
8.8
73
66
Ghost in the Shell (1995)
7.463
8.4
107
67
Infinite Ryvius (1999)
7.455
8.8
71
68
Seikai no Monshou (1999)
7.438
9.0
64
69
Jungle wa itsumo Hare nochi Guu (2001)
7.428
8.9
68
70
Hellsing (2001)
7.420
7.9
217
71
Vandread 2 (2001)
7.405
8.7
72
72
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind (1984)
7.370
8.9
63
73
Saikano (2002)
7.367
7.9
194
74
Card Captor Sakura (1998)
7.359
8.5
80
75
Princess Tutu (2002)
7.359
9.2
51
76
Hachimitsu to Clover (2005)
7.358
8.9
63
77
Genshiken (2004)
7.357
8.6
75
78
Ai Yori Aoshi (2002)
7.352
8.1
127
79
Maison Ikkoku (1986)
7.340
9.0
56
80
Witch Hunter Robin (2002)
7.340
8.0
145
81
R.O.D -THE TV- (2003)
7.328
8.5
82
82
Seikai no Senki (2000)
7.310
9.0
56
83
Love Hina (2000)
7.303
7.8
169
84
Midori no Hibi (2004)
7.300
8.1
109
85
Vandread (2000)
7.269
8.1
109
86
Kiddy Grade (2002)
7.262
8.1
106
87
Whisper of the heart (1995)
7.259
9.0
51
88
Initial D - First Stage (1998)
7.254
8.4
76
89
.hack//SIGN (2002)
7.245
7.7
213
90
Kodomo no Omocha (1996)
7.238
8.9
53
91
Rurouni Kenshin - Seisouhen (2001)
7.229
8.1
105
92
Tennis no Ohjisama (2001)
7.228
8.4
78
93
Akira (1988)
7.219
7.8
149
94
Kanon (2002)
7.219
8.2
90
95
Paranoia Agent (2004)
7.215
8.5
67
96
Laputa: Castle in the Sky (1986)
7.211
8.7
58
97
Kannazuki no Miko (2004)
7.193
8.4
74
98
Koi Kaze (2004)
7.181
8.6
63
99
Eureka Seven (2005)
7.176
9.1
45
100
Golden Boy (1995)
7.147
8.3
76
101
Gunparade March - Arata Naru Ko Gunka (2003)
7.138
8.2
80
102
Gravitation TV (2000)
7.137
8.7
56
103
Mahou Tsukai ni Taisetsu na Koto (2003)
7.107
8.6
57
104
Ai Mai Mi ! Strawberry Egg (2001)
7.106
8.2
80
105
Ohran Koko Host Club (2006)
7.104
9.0
44
106
Maria-sama ga Miteru (2004)
7.076
8.6
55
107
D.C ~Da Capo~ (2003)
7.068
7.9
99
108
Fushigi Yuugi (1995)
7.067
8.0
90
109
Outlaw Star (1998)
7.047
8.3
65
110
Mahoromatic (2001)
7.047
8.1
81
111
Kidou Tenshi Angelic Layer (2001)
6.991
8.3
60
112
Evangelion: End of Evangelion (1997)
6.984
8.0
82
113
Aishiteruze Baby (2004)
6.977
8.3
62
114
Ultra Maniac TV (2003)
6.976
8.5
53
115
Abenobashi Mahou Shotengai (2002)
6.964
8.0
77
116
Samurai 7 (2004)
6.939
8.2
61
117
Martian Successor Nadesico (1996)
6.926
7.9
76
118
Mahoromatic TV 2 (2002)
6.924
8.0
72
119
TEXHNOLYZE (2003)
6.923
8.7
43
120
Ranma 1/2 (1989)
6.920
8.3
54
121
Hana Yori Dango (1996)
6.912
8.7
44
122
Excel Saga (1999)
6.910
7.8
82
123
Onegai Twins (2003)
6.899
7.4
141
124
Ayashi no Ceres (2000)
6.889
8.0
70
125
Tenshi na Konamaiki (2002)
6.883
8.2
56
126
Kumo no Muko, Yakusoku no basho (2004)
6.881
8.2
57
127
Millennium Actress (2001)
6.864
8.6
44
128
Revolutionary Girl Utena (1997)
6.839
8.4
48
129
Pita Ten (2002)
6.826
8.3
49
130
D.N Angel (2003)
6.825
7.8
75
131
Slam Dunk (1993)
6.811
8.5
44
132
AA! Megami Sama (1993)
6.809
7.8
70
133
Jin-Roh, The Wolf Brigade (2000)
6.809
8.4
45
134
Yu Yu Hakusho (1992)
6.803
8.5
43
135
Sokyu No Fafner (2004)
6.800
8.4
44
136
Slayers, The (1995)
6.795
8.1
53
137
Kimagure Orange Road TV (1987)
6.793
8.5
42
138
GANTZ (2004)
6.785
8.1
54
139
Matantei Loki - Ragnarok (2003)
6.758
8.4
44
140
Shaman King (2001)
6.750
8.5
41
141
Final Fantasy VII Advent Children (2005)
6.733
7.6
83
142
.hack//Legend of Twilight Bracelet (2003)
6.731
7.7
71
143
Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)
6.711
8.3
43
144
Tokyo Underground (2002)
6.704
7.6
79
145
AA! Megami Sama: The Movie (2000)
6.676
8.3
42
146
Gundam Wing (1995)
6.675
7.7
66
147
Yami no Matsuei (2000)
6.674
8.0
49
148
Piano (2002)
6.666
8.1
46
149
MADLAX (2004)
6.658
8.2
44
150
Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (2004)
6.654
8.0
50
151
Suzuka (2005)
6.652
7.9
53
152
Trinity Blood (2005)
6.638
7.9
52
153
Tsubasa Chronicle (2005)
6.631
7.9
51
154
NARUTARU (2003)
6.615
7.6
64
155
DearS (2004)
6.608
7.7
61
156
Howl no Ugoku Shiro (2004)
6.601
8.1
44
157
Ninja Scroll (1993)
6.575
7.6
62
158
Peace Maker Kurogane (2003)
6.567
7.8
52
159
Boys Be (2000)
6.561
7.8
49
160
Green Green TV (2003)
6.541
7.4
74
161
Appleseed Movie (2004)
6.529
7.6
55
162
Happy Lesson TV (2002)
6.527
7.6
57
163
Gundam SEED Destiny (2004)
6.523
7.6
58
164
Rozen Maiden (2004)
6.480
8.0
40
165
To Heart (1999)
6.466
7.6
50
166
SHUFFLE! (2005)
6.461
7.7
49
167
Escaflowne - The Movie (2000)
6.443
7.3
70
168
Chikyu Shojo Arjuna (2001)
6.435
7.8
42
169
Record of Lodoss War OVA (1990)
6.423
7.4
58
170
Perfect Blue (1997)
6.407
7.8
41
171
Tenjou Tenge (2004)
6.388
7.3
63
172
Blood: The Last Vampire (2000)
6.373
6.9
107
173
Ai Yori Aoshi ~Enishi~ (2003)
6.337
7.3
53
174
Alien Nine (2001)
6.225
7.3
44
175
Air Master (2003)
6.224
7.2
49
176
Love Hina OVA (2002)
6.179
6.9
62
177
Dragon Ball (1986)
6.160
7.2
45
178
Grenadier - Hohoemi no Senshi - (2004)
6.156
7.1
47
179
Ichigo 100% (2005)
6.104
7.1
46
180
E's Otherwise (2003)
6.087
7.2
40
181
Prince of Darkness (1998)
6.036
7.0
43
182
Flame of Recca (1992)
6.035
7.0
44
183
Angel Sanctuary (2000)
6.021
7.0
42
184
Samurai Deeper Kyo (2002)
6.002
6.5
82
185
Ikkitousen (2003)
6.001
6.7
55
186
Dragon Ball Z (1989)
5.976
6.2
191
187
Kite (1998)
5.941
6.5
69
188
Kono Minikuku Mo Utsukushii Sekai (2004)
5.903
6.4
68
189
Vampire Hunter D (1985)
5.826
6.6
43
190
Maburaho (2003)
5.776
6.5
43
191
Final Fantasy Unlimited (2001)
5.608
6.1
46
192
Ragnarok The Animation (2004)
5.451
5.9
41
193
Sister Princess (2001)
5.427
5.9
40
194
Pokemon (1997)
5.240
5.3
108
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
A Journey of Life
A long time ago, there was an Emperor who told his horseman that if he could ride on his horse and cover as much land area as he likes, then the Emperor would give him the area of land he has covered.Sure enough, the horseman quickly jumped onto his horse and rode as fast as possible to cover as much land area as he could. He kept on riding and riding, whipping the horse to go as fast as possible. When he was hungry or tired, he did not stop because he wanted to cover as much area as possible.Came to a point when he had covered a substantial area and he was exhausted and was dying. Then he asked himself, "Why did I push myself so hard to cover so much land area? Now I am dying and I only need a very small area to bury myself."The above story is similar with the journey of our Life. We push very hard everyday to make more money, to gain power and recognition. We neglect ourhealth, time with our family and toappreciate the surrounding beauty andthe hobbies we love.One day when we look back, we willrealize that we don't really need that much, but then we cannot turn backtime for what we have missed. Life is not about making money, acquiring power or recognition. Life is definitely not about work!Work is only necessary to keep us living so as to enjoy the beauty and pleasures of life.Life is a balance of Work and Play,Family and Personal time.You have to decide how you want tobalance your Life. Define your priorities, realize what you are able to compromise but always let some of your decisions be based on your instincts.Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of Life, the whole aim of human existence.So, take it easy, do what you want to do and appreciate nature. Life is fragile, Life is short. Do not take Life for granted. Live a balanced lifestyle and enjoy Life!Watch your thoughts; they become words.Watch your words; they become actions.Watch your actions; they become habits.Watch your habits; they become character.Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
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