Caught By the Kid
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
The Difference between Potential and Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would give Robert Redford a blowjob and swallow his cum for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would give Brad Pitt a blowjob with a sticky facial for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you give Robert Redford a blowjob and swallow his cum?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you give Brad Pitt a blowjob and let him cum on your face?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts.”
The Hotdog Blowjob Trick
One night these two men wanted to go out for drinks, but they didn't have any money. The first man said, "No problem. I have an idea".
So the two proceeded to the closest bar and ordered their drinks. The second man finally asks, "Now what's your plan?"
The first man said, "I'm gonna put this hot dog down my pants and then you unzip me and suck the hot dog right before we have to pay the bill. Once the staff sees this, we will be thrown out of the bar for sure."
The second man was unsure but agreed. As soon as the bill came he dropped to his knees and began to suck. His plan worked. After the 2 men were spotted, they were quickly thrown out of the bar. They proceeded to do this all night in bars all over town without ever having to pay.
Finally the second man said, "Man, I'm drunk enough. That was a great plan."
The first man said "Yea it was, but I lost the hot dog three doors back." Laughing.
Horrible Road Head Accident
In an appalling blowjob accident, a man had his penis severed when he hit a tree while his wife was giving him a blowjob while he was driving their car.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. He said the cost would be $4,500 for "small", $9,500 for "medium" or $16,000 for "large".
The guy thought he'd get a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
Blowjob That'll Make Her Scream
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
Busy Night for the Local Hookers
Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
Don't Touch The Birdy
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke its neck, stepped on its eggs, and burned its nest."
The Wealthy Hooker
One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.
He had seen this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blowjob?"She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blowjobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life
On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."
Making Good on Her Promises
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes …
Blowjob on the Green
There were three men waiting to tee off at hole #1 when a beautiful lady walked up to them and asked if she could join them, and of course they said yes!
She was putting for an even round on 18. She had about a 50 foot put for par. She turned and asked the guys, "Who ever give me the correct way to put this, I will give them a blowjob."
So the first guy says "Just putt it straight and it will go in!" She said nope!
The next guy says, "Put it to the right, and it will slant home!" She said no!
The last guy walks up and says, "Looks like a gimme to me..."
The Cabbie and the Blowjob
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Lost Sperm
One day two Sperms were swimming vigorously and one Sperm asks the other: "How much further do we have until we reach the egg??"
The other Sperm replies:
“I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!!”
Time to Celebrate
Man walks into a bar and orders six double bourbons and the barman asks the man what his troubles were.
"No troubles", said the customer "In fact I am celebrating".
"Celebrating what?" asked the barman.
"I have just had my first blowjob". came the reply.
"In that case let me give you a seventh double on the house" replied the barman.
"No Thanks", said the man "If six don't get rid of the taste nothing will!"
Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in."Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry".
A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
The Difference between Potential and Reality
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would give Robert Redford a blowjob and swallow his cum for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would give Brad Pitt a blowjob with a sticky facial for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you give Robert Redford a blowjob and swallow his cum?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sister’s room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you give Brad Pitt a blowjob and let him cum on your face?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts.”
The Hotdog Blowjob Trick
One night these two men wanted to go out for drinks, but they didn't have any money. The first man said, "No problem. I have an idea".
So the two proceeded to the closest bar and ordered their drinks. The second man finally asks, "Now what's your plan?"
The first man said, "I'm gonna put this hot dog down my pants and then you unzip me and suck the hot dog right before we have to pay the bill. Once the staff sees this, we will be thrown out of the bar for sure."
The second man was unsure but agreed. As soon as the bill came he dropped to his knees and began to suck. His plan worked. After the 2 men were spotted, they were quickly thrown out of the bar. They proceeded to do this all night in bars all over town without ever having to pay.
Finally the second man said, "Man, I'm drunk enough. That was a great plan."
The first man said "Yea it was, but I lost the hot dog three doors back." Laughing.
Horrible Road Head Accident
In an appalling blowjob accident, a man had his penis severed when he hit a tree while his wife was giving him a blowjob while he was driving their car.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. He said the cost would be $4,500 for "small", $9,500 for "medium" or $16,000 for "large".
The guy thought he'd get a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
Blowjob That'll Make Her Scream
There were these three guys outside of a bar. There was a black guy, a white guy, and a chinese guy. They all had been in the bar before and saw this gorgeous woman.Well they made a bet to see who could make the woman scream.
The black guy goes in a comes out and the women is laughing, and then the white guys goes in, well after he comes out she is laughing even harder.
The chinese guy goes in and a after a few minutes she is screaming bloody murder. Then he comes out, and the other two guys said how did you do that, and the chinese guy goes "Me chinese, me play trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!"
Busy Night for the Local Hookers
Two hookers were standing on a street corner ready for a night of business.
"It's gonna be a good night tonight, I can tell" says one of the girls.
"How can you tell?" says the other.
"I can smell cock in the air" replies the first hooker.
"Sorry", her friend replied, " I just burped!"
Don't Touch The Birdy
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.
But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.
Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."
He soon falls asleep.
Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.
Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke its neck, stepped on its eggs, and burned its nest."
The Wealthy Hooker
One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.
He had seen this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks"
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a blowjob?"She said "200 dollars"
"200 dollars that's a lot of money"
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving blowjobs."
So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life
On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars'
"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"
So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."
Making Good on Her Promises
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes …
Blowjob on the Green
There were three men waiting to tee off at hole #1 when a beautiful lady walked up to them and asked if she could join them, and of course they said yes!
She was putting for an even round on 18. She had about a 50 foot put for par. She turned and asked the guys, "Who ever give me the correct way to put this, I will give them a blowjob."
So the first guy says "Just putt it straight and it will go in!" She said nope!
The next guy says, "Put it to the right, and it will slant home!" She said no!
The last guy walks up and says, "Looks like a gimme to me..."
The Cabbie and the Blowjob
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
Lost Sperm
One day two Sperms were swimming vigorously and one Sperm asks the other: "How much further do we have until we reach the egg??"
The other Sperm replies:
“I dunno, but I think we just passed the tonsils!!”
Time to Celebrate
Man walks into a bar and orders six double bourbons and the barman asks the man what his troubles were.
"No troubles", said the customer "In fact I am celebrating".
"Celebrating what?" asked the barman.
"I have just had my first blowjob". came the reply.
"In that case let me give you a seventh double on the house" replied the barman.
"No Thanks", said the man "If six don't get rid of the taste nothing will!"
Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in."Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.
"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry".
