BDSM

BDSM is any of a number of related patterns of human sexual behavior. The major subgroupings are described in the abbreviation "BDSM" itself:

· Bondage & Discipline (B&D)
· Domination & Submission (D&S)
· Sadism & Masochism (or Sadomasochism) (S&M)

Many of the specific practices in BDSM are those which, if performed in neutral or nonsexual contexts, could be considered unpleasant, undesirable, or abusive. For example, pain, physical restraint and servitude are traditionally inflicted on persons against their will and to their detriment. In BDSM, however, these activities are engaged in with the mutual consent of the participants, and typically for mutual enjoyment. (Any "consent" may or may not amount to legal consent represent a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused.)

This emphasis on informed consent and safety is also known as SSC (safe, sane and consensual), though others prefer the term RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), believing that it places more emphasis on acknowledging the fact that all activities are potentially risky. There is discussion and dispute about the meaning or intent of the terms, but in essence, both terms refer to all participants acknowledging and accepting some level of risk.

PSYCHOLOGICAL

Psychiatric view
In the past, sadomasochistic activities and fantasies were regarded by psychiatrists as pathological, but are now not regarded as illnesses. Indeed, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) asserts that "The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors" must "cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning" in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder. In Europe an organization called "ReviseF65" has worked towards this purpose in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10).

ROLES

Dominant behavior
A dominant person enjoys controlling a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the fashion in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service-oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal. In addition, many fantasies involve the reversal of traditional roles or constraints. So men or women who traditionally have powerful roles in contemporary culture may wish to experience submissive roles, while others who normally are responsible for enforcing traditional morality, may wish to experience situations where such limitations do not exist.

Of course, other known possible motives remain to be considered, including pleasure taken not only in sheer power, but in the suffering of others, which is called sadism, thrill seeking in risk taking, and outright self destructiveness. That is why many in the BDSM community are concerned with establishing the motivations of those involved in an encounter and advise caution in making BDSM connections.

Some Dominants and sadists say they are motivated by the desire to give masochists the pain and pleasure desired by them. Thus the sadist is a pleasure giver and not one primarily seeking gratification from the suffering of others.

Submissive behavior
A submissive is one who, of their own free will, seeks to submit to another. Submissives vary in how seriously they take their position, training, and situation. Motivations for engaging in submissive behavior may include relief from responsibility, being the object of attention and affection, gaining a sense of security, showing off endurance, and working through issues of shame. Others simply enjoy a "natural" feeling when they are in the presence of their partner. What are known as service-oriented submissives may also have a deep seated desire to be "of use". Submissives also vary in the extent to which they engage in play, in how often they play, and even in whether they consider their role "play" at all.

Tops and bottoms
In BDSM, a top is a partner who takes the role of giver in such acts as bondage, flogging, humiliation, or servitude. The top performs acts such as these upon the bottom who is the person receiving for the duration of a scene. Although it is easy to assume that a top is dominant and a bottom is submissive, it is not necessarily so.

The top is sometimes the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so to the bottom's explicit instruction is a service top. Contrast the service top with the pure dominant, who might give orders to a submissive, or otherwise employ physical or psychological techniques of control, but might instruct the submissive to perform the act on him or her.

The same goes for bottoms and submissives. At one end of the continuum is a submissive who enjoys taking orders from a dominant but does not receive any physical stimulation. At the other is a bottom who enjoys the intense physical and psychological stimulation but does not submit to the person delivering them. It should be noted that the bottom is most often the partner who is giving instructions—the top typically tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. However, there is a purist school of BDSM, for whom such "topping from the bottom" is incompatible with the retention of high ethical standards in the relationships wherein BDSM is practiced.
Within a sadomasochistic context, submissive is only roughly synonymous with bottom.

Others opine that a "submissive" is specifically pursuing a dominant/submissive power-exchange as a key element, whereas a "bottom" may or may not be interested (or even willing) to engage in that exchange. For the latter, some have proposed the "pitcher" and "catcher" (borrowed from baseball terminology) as more neutral terminology, with the "pitcher" delivering the sensation, the instruction, etc; and the "catcher" receiving what is "pitched." These are in contrast to the term slave, which is a situation where the '"submissive" in a TPE or Total Power Exchange relationship gives up all control to their "dominant" not just for a "scene" but for a "24/7" continuing relationship.'

Switching
Some practitioners of BDSM enjoy switching that is, playing both dominant and submissive roles, either during a single scene or taking on different roles at different occasions with different partners. A switch will be the top on some occasions and the bottom on other occasions. A switch may be in a relationship with someone of the same primary orientation (two dominants, say), so switching provides each partner with an opportunity to realize his or her unsatisfied BDSM needs with others. Some individuals may switch, but may not identify as a switch because they do so infrequently or only under certain circumstances. Sometimes individuals switch in just physical roles (top and bottom), and sometimes individuals may switch completely in emotional roles (dominant and submissive) as well. Some switches only switch from relationship to relationship and will stay in that role for the duration of the relationship.

SAFETY
Some BDSM activities may be potentially dangerous if appropriate precautions are neglected. In particular, it is sometimes the practice that the submissive will complain of suffering or beg the dominant to stop, and that this will be ignored by the dominant. Therefore, one aspect to ensure safety is to agree upon a safeword. If the dominant and submissive are in a scene that causes unacceptable discomfort (physical or mental) for the submissive, a safeword can be uttered to warn the dominant of trouble and immediately call for a stop to the scene.

Sometimes BDSM may involve a 'simulation' or 'role play' of rape or other non-consensual acts. A dominant and a submissive may choose to pretend that the submissive is being raped or otherwise forced to do something unwillingly. Therefore, words like "No!" or "Stop!" are inappropriate as safewords, because a submissive playing the role of a victim would say these words as part of the scenario. The ideal safeword is a word or brief phrase (such as "scrambled eggs") that normally would not be spoken during a sadomasochistic act, and which therefore calls attention to itself by its own incongruity.

Some people in BDSM use multiple levels of safewords. For example, the safeword "green" to increase the intensity/pressure/force, "yellow" would be employed to indicate "You are approaching an intensity (or an activity) that I don't wish to experience; please do not continue this scene further in this direction, or do not increase the intensity", while the safeword "red" would mean "Please stop this and release me, right now." The stoplight safeword mechanism is the most common one found in the BDSM community, and as such is universally recognized, causing less potential confusion than some random safeword might.

In situations where the submissive's mouth is gagged, or the submissive is otherwise incapable of speaking without violating the fetish scenario, a non-verbal signal is used instead of a safeword. Typically this might be the clenching and unclenching of one or both fists, the dropping a bell or ball, or uttering three loud grunts in quick succession.
It is possible that a dominant may ignore a safe word. A dominant who acquires a reputation for ignoring safewords will experience increasing difficulty finding BDSM partners. Some partners may not use a safeword, as the submissive may have full faith that the dominant can be totally trusted. This concept is debated regularly amongst people in the BDSM lifestyle and observers will find a variety of opinions. Within this sub-culture and community in a lifestyle based on trust, a person who is not known, or not trusted, does not easily find partners.

Adequate care is prudent in bondage to ensure safety from injury. It is wise to invest in first aid training for all involved parties. For activities involving bodily fluids, hygienic precautions should be duly considered for avoiding the spread of sexually transmitted diseases or blood borne viruses.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION
In any geographical (or perhaps electronic) community of BDSM practitioners there are bound to be the occasional disputes over the safety, skills, or basic honesty and intentions of the participants. These tend to arise from miscommunications, unexpressed assumptions, inexperience, or actual mistakes made by the parties involved. Especially with an area of sexuality which may or may not be legal according to the letter of the law, these incidents will often bring up the question of "community self-policing" of its members. Since so many of the interactions are one-on-one, unobserved by third parties, and of an intimate nature, a conflict or dispute may lead to he-said, she-said types of interactions. Many communities have developed conflict resolution committees to help mediate such situations.

BDSM may encompass the following practices:
· erotic spanking,
· bastinado,
· flagellation such as flogging (see cat o' nine tails),
· whipping (see bullwhip),
· paddling,
· sensory deprivation,
· movement restriction,
· suspension,
· sensation play (i.e. the use of such objects as fur, ice, Wartenberg wheels, TENS devices, etc to induce desired sensations in the bottom),
· medical submission (i.e. a submissive partner that submits to medical procedures which may or may not be humiliating and/or painful).

BDSM activities are practiced by people of all sexualities. Many practice their BDSM activities exclusively in private, and do not share their predilections with others. Others socialize with other BDSM practitioners. The BDSM community can be regarded as a subculture within mainstream society. Being involved in BDSM or Dominant/submissive relationships on a regular basis is often referred to as being "in the lifestyle".

Communities of BDSM lifestylers are prevalent in all parts of the world. Large cities and small town alike have organizations where lifestylers meet to learn, share and practice. These groups are often underground and can be hard to find, but as society becomes more and more accepting, the groups are coming out of the closets. In the United States some of these communities have even applied for and been granted 501C status as educational and community support groups.

A 1990 Kinsey Institute report said researchers estimate that 5% to 10% of Americans occasionally engage in sexual activities related to BDSM. This was based on the 1983 "Playboy Readers Sex Survey" by Walter Lowe. There has been an explosive growth in the BDSM community since the 1983 study, which raises the possibility that the 1983 figures are unrepresentative of current behavior.

PHYSIOLOGICAL
On a physical level, BDSM "sensation play" often involves inflicting pain, even if without actual injury. This releases endorphins, creating a sensation somewhat like runner's high or the afterglow of orgasm, sometimes called "sub-space", which many find enjoyable. Some writers use the term "body stress" to describe this physiological sensation. Perhaps more eloquently, the philosopher Edmund Burke defines this sensation of pleasure derived from pain by the word sublime. This experience is the motivation for many in the BDSM community but is not the only motivating factor. Indeed, a strong minority of BDSM participants (especially "submissives") may well participate in a scene that they do not derive any physical pleasure from. This is done in order to provide their "Dominant Master/Mistress" with an opportunity to indulge their desires or fetishes.

In some kinds of BDSM play, the "top" (usually a dominant partner) applies sensation to the "bottom" (usually a submissive partner) by spanking, slapping, pinching, stroking or scratching with fingernails, or using implements like straps, whips, paddles, canes, knives, hot wax, ice, clothespins, bamboo skewers, etc. The sensation of being bound with rope, chains, straps, cling wrap, handcuffs or other materials can also be part of the experience. The tools of BDSM play encompass a wide variety of items from specifically designed implements to ordinary household items, known as "pervertibles."

A pleasurable BDSM experience is thought to depend greatly upon a competent top and the bottom attaining the correct state of mind. Trust and sexual arousal help a person prepare for the intense sensation. Some have even gone so far as to compare adept BDSM play to musical composition and performance, each sensation like a musical note. Likewise, different sensations are combined in different ways to produce the total experience.

Some sensations may be equated to different levels of bodywork and may have the same end result of causing emotional releases and other physical and psychological experiences.

Other points:
· BDSM may or may not involve sex of any kind.
· BDSM may or may not involve sexual role-playing.
· How dominant or submissive a person may be in their regular life does not necessarily indicate which role they will play in a scene. Some might opine that there is roughly an inverse relationship.
· Some BDSM players are polyamorous or sexually monogamous but engage in non-sexual play with others.
· A couple may engage in BDSM sexuality with an otherwise non-D/s relationship dynamic.

ETYMOLOGY
The terms "S&M" and "SM" were originally derived from the clinical terms sadism, masochism and sadomasochism. Some practitioners, especially those producing pornography, attempted to distance themselves from what was then classified as a mental illness and began to use the term "B&D" (Bondage & Discipline). The terms "DS", "D/s", "domsub" or "subdom" were also used to refer to some or all of BDSM, including sadomasochistic activities (for example, in "Different Loving" and "The Loving Dominant".) However, BDSM was developed as a composite abbreviation for B&D, D/s and SM, although some practitioners believe that D/s should not be linked to BD/SM or "physical BDSM".

HISTORY
The historical origins of BDSM are obscure. There are anecdotal reports of people willingly being bound or whipped as a prelude to, or substitute for, sex going back to the fourteenth century. The medieval phenomenon of courtly love in all of its slavish devotion and ambivalence has been suggested by some writers to be a precursor of BDSM. Some sources claim that BDSM as a distinct form of sexual behavior originated at the beginning of the eighteenth century when Western civilization began medically and legally categorizing sexual behavior. There are reports of brothels specializing in flagellation as early as 1769, and John Cleland's novel Fanny Hill, published in 1749, mentions a flagellation scene. Other sources give a broader definition citing BDSM-like behavior in earlier times and other cultures, such as the medieval flagellants and the physical ordeal rituals of some Native American societies.

Although the names of the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch are attached to the terms sadism and masochism respectively, the question remains as to whether their ways of life would meet with modern BDSM standards of informed consent.

BDSM ideas and imagery have existed on the fringes of Western culture throughout the twentieth century. Robert Bienvenu attributes the origins of modern BDSM to three sources, which he names as "European Fetish" (from 1928), "American Fetish" (from 1934), and "Gay Leather" (from 1950). Another source is the sexual games played in brothels, which go back into the nineteenth century if not earlier. Irving Klaw, during the 1950s and 1960s, produced some of the first commercial film and photography with a BDSM theme and published comics by the now-iconic bondage artists John Willie and Eric Stanton.

Much of the BDSM ethos can be traced back to gay male leather culture, which formalized itself out of the group of men who were soldiers returning home after World War II. (1939-1945). This subculture is epitomized by the Leatherman's Handbook by Larry Townsend, published in 1972, which essentially defined the "Old Guard leather" culture. This code emphasized strict formality and fixed roles (i.e. no switching), and did not really include lesbian women or heterosexuals. In 1981, however, the publication of Coming to Power by Samois led to a greater knowledge and acceptance of BDSM in the lesbian community.

In the mid-nineties, the Internet provided a way of finding people with specialized interests around the world and communicating with them anonymously. This brought about an explosion of interest and knowledge of BDSM, particularly on the usenet group alt.sex.bondage. When that group became too cluttered with spam, the focus moved to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.

New Guard leather subculture appeared around this time, which rejected the rigid roles and exclusion of women and heterosexuals of the Old Guard.

In addition to the bricks and mortar businesses, which sell sex paraphernalia, there has also been an explosive growth of online adult toy companies that specialize in leather/latex gear and BDSM toys. The first known online store specializing in bondage gear was JT's Stockroom, which became a primarily online business as early as 1990.

Once a very niche market, there are now very few sex toy companies that do not offer some sort of BDSM or fetish gear in their catalog. Kinky elements seem to have worked their way into even the most "vanilla" markets. However, amongst lifestylers a tradition of craftsmanship prevails and it is common for people to take pride in creating their own toys or purchasing from local artisans.

BDSM and fetish imagery has spread out into the mainstream of Western culture through avant-garde fashion, the goth subculture, rap, hip hop and heavy metal video clips, and science fiction television and movies.

The modern BDSM subculture is widespread. Most major cities in North America and Western Europe have clubs and play parties, as well as informal, low-pressure gatherings called munches. There are also conventions like Living in Leather, TESfest and Black Rose, as well as the annual Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. North American cities that have large BDSM communities including New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston, Philadelphia, San Francisco, San Diego, Dallas, Minneapolis, Toronto, Winnipeg, and Vancouver. European cities include London, Paris, Munich, Berlin and Rome.

LEGALITY
The legal situation of sadomasochistic activities varies greatly between countries. In Japan, Germany, the Netherlands and the Scandinavian countries, consensual BDSM is legal.

In the UK, BDSM activities which cause injuries which are more than 'transient or trifling' may be illegal, but the few cases since the original R v Brown 1990 ruling have been contradictory in their judgments . A dining club involved in nyotaimori (that is it had food served on otherwise naked women) in many restaurants in west London wound itself up because it was thought to be illegal. The UK Government has announced it plans to criminalize possession of "violent pornography", including faked images and those involving consenting adults. BDSM groups such as The Spanner Trust and Unfettered oppose the proposed law.

In other countries it is an example of a consensual crime.

At least in the western, industrialized countries and Japan, since the 1980s sadomasochists have begun to form information exchange and support groups to counter the discriminatory image held by orthodox science and parts of the public. This has happened independently in the United States and in several European countries. With the advent of the web, international cooperation has started to develop - for example Datenschlag is a joint effort of sadomasochists in the three major German-speaking countries, and the mailing list Schlagworte uses the model of a news agency to connect six countries.
Once you start you will want more and engage in increasingly risky play.
The truth is that when one starts out in BDSM they will want more and more. However, it's not like a fall off a cliff, you don't keep progressing farther and farther. I like to think of it more like climbing a mountain with a lot of plateaus on it. It's a long way to that first plateau as you learn who you are and what you want, what you need in a relationship and in play. Then when you get to that plateau, most will stay there for awhile, dabbling in what they have learned and are supremely happy there. Still others will stay there awhile, but yet find more they would like to try and then climb once more to another plateau.
Within the BDSM scene there are all sorts of people on this mountain, and none of them are on the same plateau. They extend the length of the mountain, happy with where they have landed, or planning on moving up the mountain yet again. It's all about the journey, not the destination. You can't know where you are going to stop you ascent. And you could just decide to go back down the mountain too; it's all a matter of choices.

All dominant women are men haters and all dominant men are women haters.
So not true. If you develop a relationship with someone and are a m/f hater, then what results is abuse, not loving commitment and BDSM. Just like vanilla (non-BDSM) relationships you have to like the person you are with, and with a D/s relationship that is more powerful. There are the elements of trust and respect that underlie the strength of the relationship.
So, you can't be a m/f hater and yet engage in consensual, safe BDSM activities with them. Just doesn't work to put two and two together like that.

BDSM = Sex
This one is a common misconception from those that don't know about BDSM. Sex is not always a given in BDSM play. Although there are those that feel that sex has its part in a scene, not all players engage in sexual contact when they play.
The feelings and emotions you may have during a scene could be sexual in nature, they could be sensual. But that doesn't mean that sex is necessary. It's about the connection, the trip, the feelings and the power exchange of the two people involved.

BDSM is a way to get away with abuse.
BDSM is not abuse. The participants in BDSM are loving, caring, aware, consensual partners that know the risks of what they do and the pleasure they can receive from doing them.
There are those in the lifestyle that 'go bad'. The take it to the extreme and it becomes abuse. This is not accepted here, nor in mainstream society and when abuse is discovered they are shunned and usually put on a blacklist.
Sadly, criminals do use BDSM as an excuse for their crimes on occasion. It is not the truth. It just helps smear the community's image and something that the NCSF is fighting to uphold and protect.

People who practice BDSM are all promiscuous.
This is like saying that everyone who jogs drinks Gatorade. It's just not the case. Everyone has their own preferences. There *are* those that are swingers or polyamorous on top of being in a D/s, BDSM relationship. It's not a requirement though.
Basically we have a saying in the scene that is Your kink is not my kink. We accept other people's ideas of what they want to engage in, but it doesn't have to be the universal decision.
Let's take 100 people, for example. Using the percentages of active declared BDSMers in the US, If only 2% an 4% are engaged in Swinging and Polyamorous relationships respectively that's 6 people. Of those 6 people, let's say 12 % (the average for SM-Leather-Fetish) are into BDSM. That's maybe one person (0.76%) that is involved in BDSM and Swinging or Polyamorous relationships. See how small that is?

This is too complicated, I'll never get it.
We all start somewhere. You learn slowly, ask lots of questions and be prepared to change your mind on some things. Pick up some new information. Don't get overwhelmed just learn what you can now and then you can move on.

"Leather" is only for Gay men who meet in bars.
While it is true that "Leather" has its roots in Gay bars, it is not the sole definition of the term. Many people in the BDSM lifestyle call themselves Leather folk. The wearing of leather as a code to who you are is fashionable throughout the community and fetish circles.

BDSMers live on the fringes of society
It is believed that because BDSM isn't widely accepted that the only people who participate are lower class, criminal types, secretive peoples and others that aren't accepted in mainstream openly. This is far from true. The need to be involved in BDSM as a lifestyle or play style is in your blood, it is the way a person is wired. It's not based on nurture, but nature. There are very prominent people into BDSM, from the Pentagon and other National leaders to the poorer people that live in the ghettos of this land. No one is excluded. Doctors, lawyers, school officials, church leaders. They are all not excluded.
The idea behind this is that so many of us have to keep our sexuality a secret because of the repercussions of society if they find out. Like I mentioned earlier, discrimination is still strong when it comes to BDSM mostly because people don't understand it. It is not abuse, it is not violence. So many states still rule BDSM behavior as assault and that brings people even further from exposure.
It's who we are not where we came from or what we do that should matter.

There are few people who actually practice BDSM
Well, here again we can use the percentage of SM, D/s practitioners of 12% in the US. There are about 295,734,134 in the US at this time (2005). That would be 35,488,096 people in the US that practice of have practiced SM, D/s. That doesn't seem like a small amount to me. In fact there are large groups in the larger cities and I think many aren't even in groups. Some people won't even admit to being interested in kinky stuff because of the stigma of it. So there it is people, in numbers. You aren't one of a few; you are one of a healthy number. Think on that!

All the Master / slave stuff is play acting.
It may look like play acting to those unfamiliar with D/s lifestyle choices, but to the participants it is very real. A scene is not only about sensation play but about role playing and power exchange. The people involved in it feel the roles they are in and either submit or dominant by choice. Anyone can pretend to be a Master or slave, but for BDSMers it is who they are. They feel their role within themselves and exchange the power between themselves consensually.
Participants of BDSM can be Master/ slave outside of playing and is common within committed relationships to maintain that power exchange. It is a lifestyle choice, a living and for the people that engage in a M/s (Master/slave) relationships it is not only fulfilling but right for them.

BDSM is all about pain. I don't see how pain is enjoyable.
Pain isn't enjoyable to all people, and you don't have to enjoy pain to be into BDSM. Maybe you only like bondage, or maybe it's the power exchange that you really draw to. Either way it doesn't have to involve pain at all. For those that it does involve pain, like me, also enjoys other aspects of BDSM.
The assumption that it is all about pain is because that is the most prominent and the most conflicted with mainstream thought. When BDSM is mentioned in social circles it is the sensation play that is brought out first when other things are just a backdrop. In truth the power exchange is what is the forefront of BDSM. Without the top and bottom, the play can not happen. It must be consensual and enjoyable by both parties.

My kink is okay, yours isn't.
This one is for those in the BDSM scene. It's not only incorrect, it is discriminating. BDSM is an umbrella term. It encompasses all forms of sexual expression, all fetishes and every role you can play. So to say that one is better than another is wrong.
That is not to say that someone might not agree with what you do compared to themselves you should still accept it as another way to be someone in BDSM. Your way is not the only way. What you learned is not the only way to learn. We can only be a community if we embrace our differences, not reject differences.

People into BDSM can't have normal sex.
This post is going to be plain and simple. Just because we like to do other things that involve pain, bondage, humiliation, or extreme sensation doesn't mean we don't like a good fucking every now and again... in fact... a lot actually. BDSMers are perfectly capable of having "normal" sex.

The 'net' and magazines only have beautiful people in expensive outfits. I'll never fit in.
The net and magazines are only out for one thing- profits. Of course they are going to have the beautiful models in the best fetish gear all perfect with no flaws, no flab, no scars, no oddities at all. But we all know that regular people exist and they exist in BDSM scenes too. We enjoy each other as we are, imperfections and everything.
Falling to magazine standards is what put so many teens on their death bed with eating disorders and great athletes on suspension for steroid use. Accepting who you are is just a facet of being the best person you can be. We are all different and if you can accept that, you will fit in.

People who practice BDSM are mentally ill.
It was once considered a mental illness yes. S&M as it was called then was taboo and the society shunned those that have participated in it by placing them in mental institutions and processed through counseling to believe what they desired was wrong. In The PLEASURE of the PAIN Why Some People Need S & M - sadomasochistic sex Psychology Today, Sept, 1999 by Marianne Apostolides it shows how people who find pleasure in pain are normal and sane. Just different, that's all we are.

This is what BDSM is, and if you aren't doing it this way, you are wrong.
This goes a lot into the your kink isn't my kink. It's all about acceptance. There is no one right way to do anything. There may be safety issues that need to be followed, but other than that do as you will, find what pleases you and your partner and stick to that. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's not wrong, just different. Aside from formal clubs where certain things are expected, BDSM relationships, play, and roles can be very fluid.
If someone said to you that the only sexual position was missionary and that any variance is wrong what would you say to them?

People who practice BDSM were abused as children.
While it is supposed that abused people need more love and care than others it can't be typecast. The majority of people I know have not been abused as children. There is no cause and effect relationship between childhood abuse and becoming a BDSM practitioner.

Everyone plays heavy, there is no room for people who consider a feather heavy.
So not true. If you take anything from my posts today, let it be that everyone is different and has different preferences. I have said that you don't have to be into pain at all to be in BDSM. Everyone finds their niche. A couple of my friends in the scene are what I would call sensual D/sers. They enjoy teasing and sexual torture (orgasm denial, withdrawal, forced orgasms) and other sexual forms of play rather than pain and sensation. They may dabble in bondage or blindfolds but that is about it.
There is also the other extreme of very heavy players, ones that try for blood and piercing, cutting, branding and their bondage is more extreme (mummification, inverted suspension). It all depends on the people involved. As long as you find who you are within the lifestyle there is nothing wrong with it.

Submissive men are weak.
Submissive men are some of the strongest mental figures I know in the lifestyle. They are able to come to a Dominant and fully submit when the world around them tells him he should be strong and in control. They are able to take down the walls that they put up for the outside world and become who they wish to be. Many CEO's and heads of leadership are submissive in nature when not forced to lead.
The idea of a weak man comes from what society believes should be a man and not what they truly can be (which is anything). Submissive men can break down the stereotypes within the confines of a relationship or play time and relax, be submissive, be themselves.

I'm Master/Mistress so and so, everyone must respect me
This is an online phenomenon. People come into a chat room and the first submissive they see (uncapped nick)...
MasterLordDomSir: Down on your knees slave and service me!
littlesubbie: Um, pardon?
MasterLordDomSir: I'm a Master, been in the lifestyle for 20 years, I'm 32 and you will obey me.
littlesubbie: 20 years? You were 12 when you started? Hard to believe and better yet, I doubt you are a Master.
MasterLordDomSir: How dare you girl! You deserve a spanking for that!
littlesubbie: Whatever Sir. Respect is earned, not assumed. .....

Not as common in real life, but it does happen when a Dominant's ego gets a bit too big for them to handle. They think that their way is the only way and that because they have X years experience they earn the rank of Master. Within my local community there are a few that have earned the title Master amidst everyone there. They have shown their knowledge, patience, experience and have earned the respect of everyone there.
What needs to be known is that submissives have the last say. They can submit or not, they can give you respect or they will refuse you. Either way you are under the whim of the majority. Don't let anyone tell you that they deserve rank or title just because they hold the Dominant role. Like everything else, respect is earned.

I'm submissive. I'll be expected to act a certain way.
Well, yes and no.
You are expected to be exactly as you are. How are people to get to know you if you are pretending to be someone else? And if you looking for a partner, being yourself is what attracts them, not being who you think you should be around them.
Within the confines of a relationship your behavior may be modified. Some dominants require strict rules and regulations from bodily appearance to speaking and sitting on furniture. These things are agreed upon and are consensual. For example, my Master requires that I keep my body shaved from the neck down. It takes me a good half hour to do it all and I shave 3 times a week, but it makes me feel humble that I am doing this for him.
At groups and functions there may be a protocol. You may be required to call dominants by Sir, you may be required to speak to the dominant first before the submissive. You may not be allowed to touch anyone / anything without asking first. It's all different for different places and you learn by asking.

I'm a submissive, therefore I can brat and be the center of attention.
This is the other side of the previous post. In this case, no you are not. Granted there are times and places for all behavior, you should treat everyone with respect and not push yourself into the limelight more than any other. It's not about how many times you are getting noticed but about how you are noticed.
Online: brattiness is used as a way to rile a response from a dominant. bratty subs misbehave so that they can get reprimanded and "punished." It's not very acceptable even online, but is very common.
There is a time and place for brats. In public wouldn't be my first choice. There are dominants that enjoy the fiesty bratty submissives and more power to them as long as the submissive doesn't offend or get rude within groups.
Around a group where it's not welcome... be bratty... I dare ya!

In BDSM women are submissive and men are dominant.
We all know from hearing about professional dominatrix services that there are females in top and Domme positions. There are also a decent number of male submissives to balance the scale. It is stereotypical that submissives are women because of societal standards to keep women subservient to men.

If you use leather and rope it’s BDSM but if you use scarves it's just wild sex.
All forms of bondage and play spanking, biting and pinching, scratching and teasing are forms of BDSM. Kinky is kinky whether you want to admit it or not. It doesn't mean that you want to enter the BDSM lifestyle, you can just test it out and enjoy kinkiness for yourself. No harm in that. However don't deny yourself if you feel an urge to learn or do more.